I’m sorry that I hurt you.
I don’t know why I do it. If I knew then maybe I could stop.
I always hear you ask Mummy why do I get angry and I listen to what she says.
You even try to help me – you bring rabbit and say this will calm me down.
I look at you and wonder why you are still being nice to me even though inside I’m ugly and mean.
You know that day I hit you so bad?
You remember when you had to go to stay at nanny’s house just to keep safe?
Well that day I told mummy that she should leave me outside and let all of the meanies get me.
They should throw me in prison for what I do to you.
I was scared, dear sister, that I might never ever see you again.
I know I can’t always say it or show it to you but that night (when you were fast asleep) I stroked your curled up fingers and whispered into your ear that I was sorry.
I’m sorry because I love you.
I love you even though we have different coloured rabbits.
Yours is pink and dotty whilst mine has all the colours of the rainbow.
You even say I don’t like to choose just one colour.
You know and understand me better than anyone.
Sometimes you go quiet when I start shouting at you and I still can’t stop calling you names. I know I’m scaring you and you’re about to run away from me but I do it all the more.
It makes me even angrier because I just want you to play my game.
Your rabbit is just like you dear sister; it’s small, contained and perfect.
Mine has one green ear and one orange ear just like me.
I wish I could be orange all of the time but sometimes I just can’t stop being green.
When I listen with my green ear then I hear your words and I don’t like what they do to me.
I know you only moved one of my Toot Toot cars out of place but I didn’t like it. I couldn’t find the words in time to tell you so I just shouted and threw it at your head.
I sometimes hate my brain – I tell mummy she shouldn’t have born me.
I know that I’m getting too angry and I forget how to make it stop.
Like when you had an accident and got hurt – I don’t know why but I laughed at you.
The sound of your crying made me even angrier and then I hit you.
I don’t like it when you cry and my throat always starts to hurt.
I get scared in the mornings when you have to get ready to go to school and sometimes I tell you that you’re ugly.
I don’t like it when you leave me.
You always give me a cuddle and say it’s ok.
I kiss you on the cheek but not a wet kiss because you say you don’t like kisses!
You taste warm and sticky and I like the smell because it reminds me of you. I like being your big sister but I’m scared to tell you that.
Its just not fair – why are you so clever?
Mummy says I’m clever too but sometimes I find it hard to believe her.
If I was clever, then I could find a way to stop hurting you.
I love you, dear sister, and your pink spotty rabbit too.
I wish you would just stay and play with me all day because you are, and always will be, my best friend.