What Are Distressed Behaviours?
For children with PDA or autism, distressed behaviours (meltdowns, aggression, shutdowns) are often responses to overwhelming internal states — not choice or defiance. These behaviours typically signal unmet needs, anxiety, sensory overload, or emotional overwhelm. They are not often talked about and can bring a great sense of shame and frustration to families because they’re often misunderstood.
What is SEND?
SEND stands for Special Educational Needs and Disabilities. It encompasses a range of neurodivergent presentations that affect children’s learning, behaviour and development. Children who have SEND might struggle with things like communication, motor skills, social interaction or emotional regulation. These needs are often lifelong, but with the right support, children should have the chance to thrive at their own pace.
Understanding Distressed Behaviour
Distressed behaviour can be a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, confused or unsupported. Children with SEND might have difficulty expressing their needs verbally, so they often communicate their distress through behaviour. This could include meltdowns, withdrawal, aggression, or repetitive actions. It’s important to understand that these behaviours are signals of unmet needs, not simply defiance or ‘misbehaviour.’
Common Causes of Distressed Behaviour
Sensory Overload
SEND Children, especially those who are autistic, often experience heightened sensitivity to sensory input. Bright lights, loud noises or crowded spaces can feel unbearable, leading to distressing behaviours as they try to cope.
Communication Barriers
If a child struggles to express themselves – whether due to speech delays, pre-verbal communication or other barriers to being understood – frustration can easily build up resulting in behaviours that seem out of control.
Routine Changes
Many SEND children thrive on routine and predictability. Unexpected changes or disruptions to their daily schedule can cause significant distress – even if that change seems like an unimportant transition – to the child who is hypervigilant that will still unbalance their nervous system.
Unmet Emotional Needs
When children struggle to process emotions, it can manifest as aggression, anxiety or even emotional withdrawal. SEND children may also struggle with self-regulation, making it harder for them to calm down when overwhelmed, something that will take time to build their own skills to manage.
Tips for Supporting Children with SEND and Distressed Behaviour
Create a Safe, Predictable Environment
Structure and routine help children feel more secure. Keep daily routines consistent and if changes are unavoidable then try to prepare the child in advance.
Use Clear and Simple Communication
Some children might prefer if you speak in short, clear sentences and use visual aids like pictures or sign language if helpful. Maybe texting is less demanding and finding the style of communication that suits the individual is key. Other individuals might respond better to more declarative language and by a tone that is more neutral. It’s so important to always give extra time for the child to process and respond. Be patient – communication barriers can lead to frustration if not addressed with understanding. Understanding what your child needs is unique to them.
Identify Triggers and Patterns
Pay close attention to your child’s behaviour to identify specific triggers. Are there sensory sensitivities at play? Is it an overload of tasks? Once you understand what’s causing the distress, you can take steps to minimise or manage these triggers in the future. This might not always work as sometimes demands and stress can build resulting in an overload appearing ‘almost’ out of nowhere. However, underneath the surface the feelings and discomfort are always building, even if they are not visible or identified prior the moment as a sole trigger.
Focus on Calm, Not Control
During moments of distress, it’s essential to remain calm and by doing this you can help the child begin to regulate their own emotions. Avoid reacting with anger or frustration, as this can escalate the situation. Although, we are only human – go easy on yourself when your own emotions come in to the mix! If you acknowledge this, especially to your young person, they will realise that you are leading them in a very truthful way.
Introduce Calming Strategies
Help your child learn self-regulation techniques such as deep breathing, using a favourite comfort item or engaging in sensory-friendly activities. Finding what works can be a trial-and-error process, but over time, these techniques can be useful tools for managing distress. If the child has tipped too far over then these strategies might not always be effective in the moment, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work in the future. They are always good to be implementing as a preventative rather than reactive measure.
Build Emotional Understanding
Emotional regulation is a skill that can develop over time. Role-playing or relaxation exercises might help your child to understand and express their emotions in a healthy way. It doesn’t happen over night, but we can gradually foster positive coping mechanisms and these are strategies that can be worked on as a long term goal.
Practical Advice for Parents and Caregivers
Seek Professional Support
If your child’s distressed behaviour become frequent or severe, consider referring out to specialist services – you shouldn’t be alone in this. It’s also worth thinking about what is happening in the bigger picture and whether changes can be made to support your child’s disability better. An example of this that arises a lot is whether they are in the right educational provision that can meet their needs?
Advocate for Your Child
Don’t be afraid to speak up for your child’s needs at school or within the healthcare system. Many children with SEND benefit from tailored interventions and accommodations. Be informed and advocate for the support your child deserves.
Look After Yourself Too
Parent caring can be emotionally and physically taxing. It’s essential to take time for yourself, practice self-care and seek support when needed. Reach out to parent groups or online communities where you can share experiences and find solidarity. Looking after yourself might just mean grabbing a cup of tea and having a moment to breathe. It can often be very challenging to get the time to even practice self-care which means we need to go easy on ourselves when we just crash and feel like we can’t do anything – in fact we are doing something – recovering!
Celebrate Progress
Even small victories matter! Celebrate your child’s achievements, whether it’s a successful day at school or managing a difficult situation without a meltdown. Every step forward counts. Being seen is so important to you child’s self-esteem – although be careful if your child is unable to cope with praise (which might just be an added demand that they can’t cope with). Celebrating progress means being happy and present through those milestones and acknowledging the success if your child feels they are able to (in control of that progress).
Strategies for Coping Compassionately with Distressed Behaviour
1. Practice Active Listening
When a child is distressed, make sure to actively listen to them. This involves giving your full attention and acknowledging their feelings without interrupting or giving them your opinion. Even if they are pre-verbal, pay attention to their body language and facial expressions. Joining in with their chosen activity (if they permit you to) can create a moment of parallel activity and a perfect opportunity for communication to take place. All too often we try to solve a situation or give our perspective, often what we really need to do is just listen to the behaviour (communication) that we are being given.
2. Validate Their Feelings
It’s crucial to let the child know that their feelings are valid, even if their reaction seems disproportionate. Use phrases like, “I understand this is upsetting for you,” or “It’s okay to feel this way.”
This helps to build trust and encourages open communication about their emotions and shifts the mood away from blaming the child for a response they cannot help.
3. Maintain a Calm Presence
Children often reflect the emotions of those around them. By staying calm and composed, you provide a sense of stability and reassurance. Practice deep breathing or other calming techniques yourself to help maintain a peaceful environment. Equally, it’s ok to remove yourself from the situation and let your child know that you are taking a few moments so that you can recompose yourself, this is not a failure but a good practice they might even adopt as they grow too.
4. Offer Choices
Giving the child some control over their situation can help reduce feelings of helplessness. Offer simple choices where possible, such as deciding between two activities or choosing a specific calming tool. This empowers the child and can sometimes alleviate distress by diverting their focus. However, for some PDA individuals, choice can be an added demand. How we phrase those choices and decrease the overwhelm would be pivotal in still maintaining a sense of autonomy for your young person.
5. Use Visual Supports
Visual supports can be an effective way to communicate with children who struggle with verbal instructions. Use picture cards, social stories, or visual schedules to help them understand what is happening and what is expected. This can reduce anxiety and help them feel more secure. Please note, however, that this strategy might feel like a demand for some children, so it’s about finding a style of communication that is bespoke to the individual you have and what their preference is.
6. Implement Timeout or Break Spaces
Create a designated space where the child can go to calm down when they feel overwhelmed. This should be a safe, comfortable area with soothing items like soft toys, blankets or sensory tools. Encourage the child to use this space when they feel distressed, but ensure it is not used as a punishment.
7. Stay Consistent
Consistency in your approach can help children feel more secure and understand what to expect. Use consistent language, routines and strategies when addressing distressed behaviour. This predictability can reduce anxiety and help the child develop coping mechanisms.
8. Reflect and Learn Together
After the situation has calmed, reflect on what happened with the child. Discuss what triggered their distress and explore coping strategies that worked. This helps the child learn from the experience and prepares them to handle similar situations in the future. Finding the right moment is key and it might be a few days later when the emotions have completely disappeared.
Final Thoughts
Supporting children with SEND and distressed behaviour requires patience, empathy and understanding. It can be challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding to watch them grow and develop in their own unique way. With the right support, strategies and a caring approach, you can help your child navigate their challenges and find their own ways to manage as they grow.
Remember, it won’t always be like this, stages do change even if it is hard for us to see the situation getting any better.
We have created a FREE RESOURCE to share with others that is quick and easy to digest – would you like to see it?
Managing Distressed Behaviours
This short, comprehensive guide is a resource to share with parents, carers and professionals as a quick overview of managing PDA and distressed behaviours.
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